Romney's 1-Percent Win Nearly Ices Nomination

Mitt Romney defeated Rick Santorum in the critical state of Ohio last night, all but clinching the GOP nomination. Really folks, it’s all downhill for him from here.

His margin of victory: 1 percent – fittingly, as the Plucky Plutocrat perhaps best represents the distilled essence of entrenched wealth in contemporary America. Mr. Romney will whine on command at any assaults on his hard work and bootstrap-pulling life, but the reality of the situation is that he was born the son of a wealthy car company CEO and Michigan governor, got into good colleges on the old Affirmative Action for Wealthy White People program – a longstanding practice in this country – and was immediately headhunted out of college by firms who wanted what he offered: that all-important ACCESS to power.

To borrow from the great Molly Ivins – he's another guy who was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple.

The race this fall will be an interesting contrast between Mr. Romney and President Obama.

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We really wanted Rick Santorum to do better last night. Our finely tuned computer models (right...) predicted wins for Mr. Santorum in all the states he did win – Tennessee, Oklahoma, and North Dakota – but we also concluded he would emerge victorious in Ohio. It was close – 1 percent – but a loss is a loss, and the updated delegate count is as follows:

Romney: 371
Santorum: 155
Gingrich: 101
Paul: 60

A few votes go the other way, and the race would be much closer to a tie between the two front-runners. Considering that Mr. Santorum was outspent by a conservative margin of 6-1 leading up to Tuesday’s race, his showing is quite remarkable. It’s even more remarkable when one factors in Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul sniping much of the right wing vote that would most likely have gone to Mr. Santorum had they not been present.

Mr. Romney will undoubtedly be the unloved groom come the GOP convention, the man who was there, was just good enough, and who won’t be particularly admired by anyone outside the Mormon enclaves of the west.

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Speaking of Newt Gingrich: He isn’t going anywhere. He won his home state of Georgia – no surprises there – but the real news is that he is now receiving Secret Service protection. He must be delighted. This new turn alone will keep him in the race for at least another two months. Mr. Gingrich is a 12-year-old boy trapped in Jabba the Hutt’s body, and he now has a new toy to play with. Moon Base Gingrich gets to be Secret Service Agent Man Gingrich. Callista will probably enjoy the attention, too. Best of luck to Team Gingrich in the upcoming primaries Way Down South in Dixie, where fantasies continue to trump reality.

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The moral center of the Republican Party suffered a sudden collapse this weekend, as Rush Limbaugh finally managed to say something that got normal people to take a look at him and the hate he has peddled for twenty years. You know the story, we will not relate the details, suffice to say that some 35 advertisers have pulled away from Mr. Limbaugh and the rest seem headed for the doors. He is bragging about all the advertisers who are always clamoring to sign up with him, and, indeed, two have reared their heads: SeekingArrangements.com, and AshleyMadison.com. Seeking Arrangements is a matchmaking site that hooks up attractive young women with wealthy older men. Ashley Madison is a dating site for married folk to meet fun people on the side. We look forward eagerly to new developments in the Limbaugh saga.

Another interesting week for what remains of conservatism in America – but they beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly....