Thursday, April 12, 2012

Republicans On the Attack: Gingrich v. Fox; West v. Red Menace in Congress

Republicans are a combative lot, always looking to gin up a good conflict – usually for the sake of self-aggrandizement, free press, or the titillation of their cranky, perpetually aggrieved base. But regardless of motive, it’s a naff bit of fun to watch. Especially now that the hulking ocean liner that is the GOP nominating process has wrecked upon the monolithic dullness that is Mitt Romney. (Our nod to the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.) (And congratulations to Mr. Romney for icing the nomination.) (GOP staff and crew, you may lower the lifeboats.)

Take Newt Gingrich. Moon Pie is on the offensive, blasting the diddly-dang biased media again – but this time he’s blasting...FOX NEWS!!! Has the universe turned widdershins? Are we in bizarro world? No, it’s true – after verbally spanking the liberal media like a dominating daddy for the past couple months – since his monumental loss in Florida, actually – and seeing the amount of coverage he gets from aforesaid media plummet like a stone falling out of orbit toward the gravity well of a heavenly body, Mr. Gingrich is doubling down on the few media outlets that remain accessible to him. He’s attacking Fox News for sinking his campaign, saying that Darth Murdoch and the Empire want Mitt Romney in the White House and "...there’s no question Fox had a lot to do with stopping my campaign because such a high percentage of our base watches Fox." Use the farce, Newt.

In even more absurd GOP shenanigans, Rep. Allen West of Florida is alleging that Congress is permeated with members of the Communist Party. He’s heard tell there are around 80 of them or so, and...and....

...I’m finding myself a bit unnerved by this story – how did he find out?!? – even to the point of dropping the annoying "royal we" pronoun we’ve been using for a couple months. (Thought it was cute, at first. Now I’m not so sure what we think about it.) It’s so unnerving because, secret Soviet overlords are telling me to belittle Rep. West for his accusation, to keep the American people in the dark about our Secret Soviet Plans to take over the United States and force all freedom-loving Christians to worship secular liberal condoms, or whatever nefarious plans are being kicked around this week back in Leningrad...goodness – How did he find out?!?

Ahem.  That Rep. West. He’s sure a dildo. Communists? Ha. It is to laugh.

Comrade Z-19, over and out.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

GOP Nomination Romneys Toward Its Inevitable Conclusion

We propose a new verb:

To Romney:  to proceed toward an inevitable end, one neither desired nor hoped for, but accepted stoically by all interested parties.

"After teetering over the edge of the oceanside precipice, the sports car romneyed slowly to the rocky shore below."

"Damn it, Martha, I have to romney to work now."

"The candidate, though not particularly loved by anyone, seemed the only viable choice when compared with his insane or brain-dead competitors. He eventually romneyed his way to the candidacy."

Our neologism might not have the legs of Dan Savage’s delightful savaging of Rick Santorum’s good name, but it certainly captures the feeling of lethargy surrounding the inevitability of Mitt Romney’s nomination. He’s about to wrap it up? Yay. We really like him. Go...Romney...go...yawn....

Only a smart VP choice can perk up this campaign. Somebody exciting and unvetted might do it – it worked so well in 2008 for the Republicans – and we really have to suggest Rand Paul. (Nobody much liked our idea last column that Kim Kardashian get the nod, so we’re staying inside the box a bit more this time around.)

Rand Paul brings major positives to the campaign, and only a few negatives. First, the negatives: He’s short. I mean really, really short. When he follows another speaker at his dad’s campaign rallies, there’s always this awkward bit while they readjust the microphone, or slip a box under him so you can see him over the lectern. For the first several seconds there’s just this bit of curly, freedom-loving hair peeking up until his puckish, snarky grin romneys upward like a very slow jack-in-the-box and begins to mouth off about how tired he is of hearing about Warren Buffett’s secretary, or how much he loves British Petroleum or hates the Civil Rights Act. (The other negative is the possibility that the candidates, when appearing together, will too much resemble a ventriloquist's act.)  Once he gets his box in place, though, Mr. Paul becomes a rather formidable contender in the VP sweepstakes.

We are certain he would deliver the Ron Paul vote. Many of them will think they’re actually voting for Ron Paul. "Beulah! Get in here, Beulah! Ron Paul’s looking about 30 years younger!" "Lovin’ freedom takes off the years, Frank honey!"

We are also certain he will deliver the Tea Party vote. They backed him in Kentucky, during his successful senatorial bid, and they will back him in the presidential.

He will deliver the Southern vote. He is one – raised in Texas, currently representing Kentucky. And he really doesn’t like the Civil Rights Act, newfangled gummint social engineering that it is.

Mr. Paul could very well help make a race of it, but we suspect even his little elfin self will not be enough to romney the top of the ticket into the White House.