Thursday, April 5, 2012

GOP Nomination Romneys Toward Its Inevitable Conclusion

We propose a new verb:

To Romney:  to proceed toward an inevitable end, one neither desired nor hoped for, but accepted stoically by all interested parties.

"After teetering over the edge of the oceanside precipice, the sports car romneyed slowly to the rocky shore below."

"Damn it, Martha, I have to romney to work now."

"The candidate, though not particularly loved by anyone, seemed the only viable choice when compared with his insane or brain-dead competitors. He eventually romneyed his way to the candidacy."

Our neologism might not have the legs of Dan Savage’s delightful savaging of Rick Santorum’s good name, but it certainly captures the feeling of lethargy surrounding the inevitability of Mitt Romney’s nomination. He’s about to wrap it up? Yay. We really like him. Go...Romney...go...yawn....

Only a smart VP choice can perk up this campaign. Somebody exciting and unvetted might do it – it worked so well in 2008 for the Republicans – and we really have to suggest Rand Paul. (Nobody much liked our idea last column that Kim Kardashian get the nod, so we’re staying inside the box a bit more this time around.)

Rand Paul brings major positives to the campaign, and only a few negatives. First, the negatives: He’s short. I mean really, really short. When he follows another speaker at his dad’s campaign rallies, there’s always this awkward bit while they readjust the microphone, or slip a box under him so you can see him over the lectern. For the first several seconds there’s just this bit of curly, freedom-loving hair peeking up until his puckish, snarky grin romneys upward like a very slow jack-in-the-box and begins to mouth off about how tired he is of hearing about Warren Buffett’s secretary, or how much he loves British Petroleum or hates the Civil Rights Act. (The other negative is the possibility that the candidates, when appearing together, will too much resemble a ventriloquist's act.)  Once he gets his box in place, though, Mr. Paul becomes a rather formidable contender in the VP sweepstakes.

We are certain he would deliver the Ron Paul vote. Many of them will think they’re actually voting for Ron Paul. "Beulah! Get in here, Beulah! Ron Paul’s looking about 30 years younger!" "Lovin’ freedom takes off the years, Frank honey!"

We are also certain he will deliver the Tea Party vote. They backed him in Kentucky, during his successful senatorial bid, and they will back him in the presidential.

He will deliver the Southern vote. He is one – raised in Texas, currently representing Kentucky. And he really doesn’t like the Civil Rights Act, newfangled gummint social engineering that it is.

Mr. Paul could very well help make a race of it, but we suspect even his little elfin self will not be enough to romney the top of the ticket into the White House.

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