Saturday, March 31, 2012

Romney Juggernaut Chugs Toward D.C.; Good-Bye Newt

Three primaries Tuesday lie solidly in Mitt Romney country as The Race turns from the Deep South to the Solidly North: District of Columbia, Maryland, and Wisconsin. With 98 delegates up for grabs in winner-take-all fashion, Mr. Romney has a solid chance for a clean sweep, pushing his total delegate count over 600.

It has been a good week for the Romney camp. Endorsements pour in, as the wind sniffers sniff the wind, and the Meretricious Mormon has gotten the nod from such Republican notables as Paul Ryan, Marco Rubio, and Poppy Bush. Also, Secret Talks have been reported – and verified – between the Romney camp and Newt Gingrich. Though they downplay the Louisiana meeting, pretending such Secret Talks happen all the time (though apparently they don’t), the smart money is on the likelihood of Newt dropping out, should a future President Romney make it worth his while. A ride on Air Force One will no doubt be part of the deal, though we suspect Mr. Gingrich wants more. A cabinet post would do it, but that will happen sometime when Darfur freezes over. We suspect an ambassadorship will seal the pact. Someplace First World, hopefully out of the way enough to prevent his ADD-influenced maunderings from inadvertently triggering a world war. Poland, perhaps. Callista has roots there. We can picture them, the toast of Warsaw, Newt having his picture taken with four-legged luminaries at the Polish National Zoo (50 zloty a pop?) while Callista sits in on French horn with the Polish National Symphony. It is indeed time for the Grand Old Nobody of the right to fade to black, and though we do not particularly wish him well, we do not particularly wish him ill, either. We simply wish him gone. And soon, we suspect, our wish will be granted.

Returning to more relevant matters than Newt Who?, the young anglers of the right are fishing outright for a VP nod. Marco Rubio of Florida would be thrilled with the spot, as would Paul "I Laugh As I Kiss the Third Rail" Ryan, both of whom are young and cute in that clean-cut Republican way that is increasingly synonymous with closeted homosexuality. We advise Mr. Romney to, yes, go with young and attractive, and a high Q rating, but get somebody more obviously hetero, for god’s sake, and maybe think outside the box: a Kardashian would do the trick. Well known, hetero with the sex tapes to prove it, solidly Republican, and vapid enough to seem "real" to the party base. Not "elitist." No "fancy-pants" book learning. "Stupid."

Romney/Kardashian. You heard it here first. For reals.