Republicans are a combative lot, always looking to gin up a good conflict – usually for the sake of self-aggrandizement, free press, or the titillation of their cranky, perpetually aggrieved base. But regardless of motive, it’s a naff bit of fun to watch. Especially now that the hulking ocean liner that is the GOP nominating process has wrecked upon the monolithic dullness that is Mitt Romney. (Our nod to the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.) (And congratulations to Mr. Romney for icing the nomination.) (GOP staff and crew, you may lower the lifeboats.)
Take Newt Gingrich. Moon Pie is on the offensive, blasting the diddly-dang biased media again – but this time he’s blasting...FOX NEWS!!! Has the universe turned widdershins? Are we in bizarro world? No, it’s true – after verbally spanking the liberal media like a dominating daddy for the past couple months – since his monumental loss in Florida, actually – and seeing the amount of coverage he gets from aforesaid media plummet like a stone falling out of orbit toward the gravity well of a heavenly body, Mr. Gingrich is doubling down on the few media outlets that remain accessible to him. He’s attacking Fox News for sinking his campaign, saying that Darth Murdoch and the Empire want Mitt Romney in the White House and "...there’s no question Fox had a lot to do with stopping my campaign because such a high percentage of our base watches Fox." Use the farce, Newt.
In even more absurd GOP shenanigans, Rep. Allen West of Florida is alleging that Congress is permeated with members of the Communist Party. He’s heard tell there are around 80 of them or so, and...and....
...I’m finding myself a bit unnerved by this story – how did he find out?!? – even to the point of dropping the annoying "royal we" pronoun we’ve been using for a couple months. (Thought it was cute, at first. Now I’m not so sure what we think about it.) It’s so unnerving because, well...my secret Soviet overlords are telling me to belittle Rep. West for his accusation, to keep the American people in the dark about our Secret Soviet Plans to take over the United States and force all freedom-loving Christians to worship secular liberal condoms, or whatever nefarious plans are being kicked around this week back in Leningrad...goodness – How did he find out?!?
Ahem. That Rep. West. He’s sure a dildo. Communists? Ha. It is to laugh.
Comrade Z-19, over and out.