Monday, February 27, 2012

Dear Michigan: Please, Please Vote Rick Santorum!

Alas and alack.  It looks as though Mitt Romney will win Michigan, and it's certain he'll win Arizona.  We are in a grand funk this morning, as Rick Santorum thrilled us to our very toes.  He is everything we have ever wanted in a Republican candidate.  He is an absolute delight, distilling everything we despise about the GOP into one pear-shaped sweater vest. 

It's not gonna happen, though.  Even Republicans -- yes, even Republicans -- sense he's a wacko.  The Man Who Would Be King would sink them so thoroughly this November that the havoc G.W. Bush caused would seem childlike by compare.  Down-ballot voting nationwide would be so overwhelming that the Great Democratic Hegemony would begin in earnest, were the Insane One to lead their party this November.

He kept it under wraps for months.  He stayed away from sex and bestiality, birth control and the evils of public school...until he took the lead in the polls.  It went to his head, as it does with all these blowhards, once they get a little wind in their sails, and then he let it rip.

On President Obama's goal to increase the number of Americans with access to college education?  "What a snob."  That's a direct quote there.  Mr. Santorum -- who possesses a B.A. in political science, and MBA, and a law degree -- is calling Barack Obama a snob for wanting to increase access to higher education for more Americans.

We understand what he's doing.  He's playing to the hoi polloi base of the GOP, trying to get the smugly satisfied down-home vote.  Republicans have always played better in the heartland -- some obese moron in Kansas sees a Democrat, and he hears "Maybe you should drop a few pounds, maybe read a book."  The Republican, on the other hand: "You're just fine the way you are.  And the only book you'll ever need is the Bible."

Mr. Santorum is unelectable in a general election.  He wants to make birth control illegal.  John Kennedy's speech on the separation of church and state made him "want to vomit."  He accuses Barack Obama of wanting to make you "in his own image" because he's all for giving more Americans a chance at higher education.  Rick Santorum is unabashedly and uncompromisingly unelectable.

Which is, or course, why we love him, and wish the GOP would vote their deepest beliefs, rather than their vaguely rational sense that Mitt Romney would stand a better chance in the general. 

Mr. Santorum was leading in Michigan up until the past week.  A combination of Mr. Romney's money -- in the form of negative ads -- and Mr. Santorum's inability to disquise his insanity has almost sunk his chances there.  With a close victory in Michigan, and a blowout in Arizona, where he leads by 13 points, Mr. Romney will have the momentum to all but ice this thing after the Super Tuesday primaries March 6.

Damn, Rick, why couldn't you have played your cards a little closer to your vest?  We knew you were nuts -- we remember you from your senatorial days -- but not everybody else knew it.  Until now.

Alas.  Alack. 

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